It's stupid, but You do it anyway.

Musique: Lacuna Coil – Heaven's A Lie

 Today I feel super destructive. Watching some pics of cigarette burns and then checking my left hand, remembering what I've done them for. Some were to feel alive, some were to fuck the pain away, some were just for not turning into a mad killer or just not to punch someone in the face.
Actually they do look quite disgusting and I feel weird when going to the doc's getting the same question every time: "Hey now, what IS that? Why did You do such a thing?" and then You don't have time to explain all Your shit to one single stranger. Yeah.. Awesomely-random.


Ugh.. Well.. Since today is such an odd day to be still alive, I guess I'm just gonna write down some shit I've been thinking about.
Firstly I feel feelingless and quite thoughtless. And yes, it's still about that shit crap what happened on Friday. At least that second person apologized. Yay for them. Still wait for the first and closest to apologize. But that will probably never happen.. So I am abandoning hope on this whole thing, step by step.. Feeling that soon I'm gonna be free to have. That last exhibit on the market shelf nobody ever wants, lol. Seriously don't pay attention to the last sentence :D.
Anyway.. Sometimes I just sit around getting back to this one thought that maybe this all is a dream and I have to check if I am awake or asleep and then pinching myself isn't enough. Yet again burning won't help either.
I just wish this whole paranoia thing would end.
What paranoia? That utterly stalking feeling that makes me numb. This being left alone or dumped or however You can even describe this. It's my second worst fear ever. The 1st is waking up and being covered in a bee swarm :S.

Anyway I would love to stop this. Help? Where is the shut down button when You need it???? :(